I don’t even know where to start,

because I’ve started and stopped

and picked it back up

again so many times.

I’ve progressed, plateaued, regressed, and progressed again.

I have to admit.. yes I took some days off. & Not every day was productive.

I learned when I got tired, to rest, not to quit!

I stayed in bed and slept in.

I would go out of town, use that as a reason to get off my “diet” and then struggle to start again.

But the point is, I would start again… Eventually.

Then I would have my health “challenges” like: 21 days without bread or run 10 min every day for the month.

Honestly, getting to the gym wasn’t ever really a problem because, in high school, there was a Planet Fitness right down the street from me, and there was easy gym access for me at UMich on campus. I lost like 20 pounds before prom. Then 60 pounds during my four years in Ann Arbor.

SIDE NOTE real quick: I used to be stuck on a number. Obsessed.Β  Numbers are what played a role in my toxic relationship with food I’m about to explain shortly. I just mentioned I lost 20 pounds in high school, and 60 pounds in college totaling a loss of 80 pounds in about 5ish years. And I say I’m still not “done” because this whole time I was focused on weight loss when I wanted to focus on fat loss. I didn’t know there was a difference but my journey and my body are showing me! I have been weighing in at this range 155-175lbs, and have changed my body composition (muscle:fat ratio). I remember having hella loose skin and cellulite, but it’s gotten better as I started to lift weights and build muscle.

Since getting to the gym was no prob, it was obviously my relationship with food, and my eating habits that was slowing my progress down and causing further health issues. To be honest, I’ve starved myself a few times. I used to think as long as I drank water, and took vitamins I’d be okay. I used to think my body was full enough, I ate enough, I don’t need to eat. I need to melt off my belly! This lead to my episodes of fainting..

One time I fainted at the Wale concert at St. Andrews (Summer 2017). The flashing lights, and the crowd had me feeling claustrophobic, hot and dizzy. My sense of hearing faded, like when you need to pop your ears after being on an airplane, and I blacked out, (story also told in this post).

Starving is more than being hungry, but missing essential fuel to function throughout the day.Β I didn’t like the feeling, the stomach pains and noises, dizziness, but I thought it was going to be worth it. Little did I know I was slowly but surely really harming myself.

I am honestly still, to this day, still struggling with making consistent eating habits because I social eat, emotionally eat, just-because eat, and then I punish myself by not eating when I feel like I ate “too bad” or “too much.” Sometimes I really have to force myself to eat! Sometimes I forget to eat! And sometimes I don’t drink enough water either! Dehydration and starvation, it’s very serious and duh a deadly combination but in the moment idk all I cared about was getting smaller and I was doing whatever I thought it would take get me there, no matter what.

I had got it bad.

And because of this relationship I’ve had with food these past years in combination to being on-and-off with fitness, I lost weight, but I lost muscle mass meaning I had saggy skin and hella cellulite.

I would look in the mirror and still be unhappy, like damn am I ever gonna be happy with my body, with myself?

But then I look back. And still see how far I’ve come physically. I used to not even be able to jog on 4.5 mph on the treadmill. My best one-mile time was 8:32! I’m proud. And proud of myself mentally. I mean nobody made me go to the gym. I did this. And this also shows me that I really am in control of myself, and my Life.

So what Paige?

Why am I sharing this?

I want my story to reach those that may be in a similar mental and physical struggle. With body transformation and self-love.

There’s so much I wish I knew then, and there’s so much I would change about how I started my body transformation journey. But it’s okay. I’m a life learner, and I am still super young to get it right, however, I need to make healthy choices now if I want to live longer. Starving myself and forgetting to eat aren’t going to get me there. I have to set alarms on my phone throughout the day. No worries I’ma get better and won’t need my phone to tell me to eat.

I share because I don’t want anyone else to go through what I did, and am currently. I share because my “pains” don’t control me, I don’t mind talking about it.. This is Me. I lost all that weight but it was muscle too- because there is a difference between weight loss and actual FAT loss– so now I’m on a muscle re-buildingΒ journey. And I gotta eat even more for that! But I’ma get there. And I will continue to learn and enjoy the journey and process no matter how long it takes, because I want a long life!

If you’re having difficulties with your body transformation, ask yourself what are the challenges? Is it going to the gym? Bodyweight exercises at home are just as effective too. Is it timing? Go to the gym in the morning, right after work while you’re out, keep gym clothes in your car (wash them of course). Is it figuring out what to eat? I google all my recipes or get them from Facebook pages. Are you a beginner changing towards a fresher lifestyle? Read about Clean Eating and let’s talk. Is it cause your body aches? Learn to rest and stretch. Get enough sleep. Go to the gym but get on the bike, something “light.”

Below are a few helpful posts:

The Insider’s Guide to Weight Loss

I lost 80ish lbs – Here Are 3 Tips If You Want To Lose Weight For Good

The Top 11 Fat-Burning Foods

Godspeed along your fitness and transformation journey.


Peace and blessings,

– P. Blessman

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