*FYI this will turn out to be a lengthier post*
If I got to be in a room with my 15-year-old self, I would hug her.
I would hold her tight and super long, rocking back and forth cause that’s the hug she always needed then.
I would hug her and say to her that I love her. I’m proud of her. For writing this note and for documenting this moment of change.
I would say, “Look at Us… We did it!”
Now this isn’t saying I’ve never heard proud praises or loving, and words of comfort, but I wasn’t ever proud of, or very liking of Myself.
I didn’t even want a life.
I didn’t like being Me.
I used to cry every day. Lower than sad, it was another day to fight through.
My inner dialogues were always telling me I wasn’t enough, and I always questioned my existence.
And some times my actions and decisions reflected that too. Whether it was the toxic social relationships/environments I chose to have, or shutting out the world, eating once a day / having a toxic relationship with food, or imagining my death, in freak accidents.
Reading this letter the other day reminded me where my mind has been.
Eight years later… And I’m just over it
I have to choose to see the positivity. Even if some days I have to search a little harder.
And yes still there are some shitty days from whatever, but Happiness is a recurring theme in my life.
And I’m seriously over the whole: hating Myself inner dialogue.
Constantly critiquing Myself, being worried about My body so much that I look for Myself in everything that would give a reflection, and have this unhealthy relationship with food..
I do so much activity. I’ve not been fueled enough and fainted several times because of…
I fainted at the Wale concert at St. Andrews last time. And I knew it was coming too, the feeling is too familiar..
My vision gets like when you rub your eyes and you see random colors and kaleidoscope effects, my hearing fades like if you’re holding q-tips in your ears, and I feel hot, always from my forehead I sweat and tingle feeling.
I tried to make it to a spot to rest, to stop it from happening cause sometimes I can stop it before it happens, if I sit.
But I blacked out.
I gained consciousness as I’m being lifted up by my arms, and then taken to a chair to the right of the stage. This angel gave me her water and fruit juice. She engaged in conversation with me to make sure I was okay. The security was helpful and caring too and occasionally came to check on me, I really appreciated that.
I was embarrassed I scared people like that. I told myself that’s gotta be the last time!
I’m not chasing a fitness aesthetic anymore for the sake of what they say is beautiful and attractive.
The same God that put the stars in the sky, ya know the One created the oceans; the One that created heaven and earth.. created Me. How dare I ever let anyone else try to convince me that I am not beautiful or amazing!
I want to focus on being a better person today, than I was yesterday and an even better person tomorrow!!
I want to make bettering decisions every day. For myself mentally, nutritionally, emotionally, spiritually, everything. I strive to be my best Self. Not just a “skinny” Paige. But an over-all well Paige.
I want positive vibes only.
I can’t let a world that doesn’t even love itself tell me what’s beautiful. It starts with me.
I would assure my 15-year-old self that I am amazing, and on the right track to focus on self love, not stressing “friends,” or “boys,” and to really enjoy being young and teenage life. I should’ve tried more sports, and spoke my mind more.I swear I was trying to change my inner dialogues and mindset but it’s hard and exhausting. It’s been 8 fucking years!
Andd I know people can lose as much (weight) as I have in 8 months or so, but I am proud, baby steps still get you there. All those high school senior year grad parties… I still got to enjoy those late night food runs in college. All those drinks, juice chasers and their calories whatever, and don’t forget the chocolate syrup on St. Patty’s Day either for the Peppermint Patties! I still got to enjoy the eating of everything on my 4-country Euro-trip and not giving a flip. More travels to different campuses,
And then still graduated from a school I struggled at, with University Honors AND 60-pounds less… sounds great to me.
The stress through It, to where I am today was worth the pains and patience. I can see and say now. Because of those low seasons in my Life, I had no where else to go but up. And I found my strength in what I thought was a weakness.. And I am forever grateful.
Somehow and randomly having found the letter, as I decluttered my room.. I just had to put this out there. Eight years later and reflecting on how much I’ve grown mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.. Just wow. And I’m still so young with so much more to experience, do, see, and eat!!
I would give so many hugs to my 15-year-old self because I do love her! And I would tell her over and over today. Because I should’ve loved Myself then. Though I started later, I feel like I started My self-love right on time.
It brought me to Life. I feel anew!
Though I haven’t always been my best, or made the best decisions all the time, I’ve grown, and into a person I love to be, AND PROUD OF!
Being overweight was heavy literally and figuratively heavy on me, and now I can let go, since it’s (the weight is) literally gone, and I found my voice to be open about what it has been like growing up overweight in a world that favored thin. Nobody really talks about it… I am.
Bless You for reading and even being curious about my test(imony) and transformation here.
I want to share three little things that were essential in my weight transformation and mental/emotional growth:
- Writing and reflecting, every day — I always wrote about what happened in my day and when I’d go back and read it.. I see how things / feelings / thoughts / situations / problems etc. come and go… mhmmm.
- Trying different (cardio) activities, and stepping out of my comfort zone — I did things like powderpuff football, and a choreographed performance, Zumba, cycling, kickboxing… Doing things for the first time and learning more about myself, (dis)likes, talents, abilities.
- Going hard for at least 21 days, rest, and do another 21 days, rest and repeat — The point is: NEVER GIVE UP. Always just get back on track!!
Thank you for visiting my space.
How do you practice self-love?
Leave a comment or email email@example.com if you wanna continue the conversation with me!
This is an apology letter.
I sincerely apologize for putting you through so much depression and mistreatment. Along with the abuse.
No person should go through the periods of depression or things I put you through.
I used to think it was other people’s fault for me being the way I was… but I was wrong.
I put myself through the hard times and blamed it on others.
I’m tired of my life. I’m tired of a lot of things. I’m destined to change.
I know what you’re thinking Paige: “You always say that. And you’re gonna fail your attempts once again.”
But no. I am not going to fail. I know this time in order for me to pull through external changes I must change internally first.
My whole mindset must be reordered and dedicated more than ever;
that’s why I’m apologizing to you.
I want to ask you for forgiveness. I want to change now more than ever, and I know I won’t be able to do it without knowing you’ve forgiven me.
You have a beautiful smile and should embrace it. Stop using it to fool others.
I’m gonna make it so that those smiles are REAL. No more tears, unless they are tears of joy.
I’m done with the negative thoughts, and paranoia over things that don’t matter. Along the path, everything will fall into place.
You need to focus on you right now. Not X, Y, Z, or anybody else. Because nobody can LOVE you more than Me. And if I don’t LOVE you then nobody will.
I know how much you want to be loved so I’m going to LOVE you the way you should be loved!
Once again: I’m so sorry! I’m going to change. Please be patient. Have faith in me. Keep your head up and cheer me on!
Peace and blessings,
– P. Blessman